Rock Bottom...

Bare with me as I'm just typing thoughts right now and my thoughts are a bit jumbled sometimes. I knew that I was having a hard time the past couple of months. But I blew it off as situational. I didn't want to actually admit that I'm taking things harder than I normally would. I just wasn't "dealing" like normal. Of course I would have a lot of good days. Great actually! But then they slowly started to dwindle. I became moodier and found myself crying more. If the smallest thing didn't go as planned, I'd burst into tears. I was taking people the wrong way. Deep down I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to admit it to myself and especially others! Stoney would ask me what was wrong and I'd say nothing. He'd push and I'd get mad. I just didn't feel like he was listening to me, when in reality, I just wasn't giving him the chance. This past weekend, nothing went as planned. I should have expected it and just went with the flow. But I couldn't do it. I cried most the weekend. I couldn't figure out what was going on with me. I felt it was easier to put the blame on others cause I didn't want to admit something was wrong. Then on Tuesday, things just went downhill and FAST. So fast it was scary!

I took the girls to the dr for checkups. Their behavior was AWFUL in my eyes. But I was just wanting to get out of there so we could get home. On the way home, I got them lunch. Sydnee was tired but didn't want to go to sleep. So she screamed and threw her food EVERYWHERE in the car. Then it happened. The grip on my chest that felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I just kept thinking "Not now. PLEASE God." I just wanted to get home and breathe. But I knew what was happening. A panic attack. I text Shana to vent for a minute. Didn't help. So I decided then and there, I needed help. I called the dr and made an appointment for that afternoon. That panic attack lasted TWENTY minutes!

At the dr office, I tried not to cry but I just bawled. I had to go by myself with the 3 little girls. I just wished that someone was with me. Stoney was stuck at work though and I couldn't wait for him to get home. I HAD to do this. The dr said with as suddenly as it went from mild to pretty bad, he wanted to check my thyroid. But he said he didn't think that was the problem. He diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression. The words I had been dreading. How can I be depressed when I had everything to be happy about. But I knew how.

After losing Taylor, I have a hard time with depression. The worst times are when it's close to her birthday and her angel day. On September 3, it will be 7 years since I said goodbye to her. It doesn't get any better. No matter what people think, nothing will ever replace her in my heart. When I had Isabelle, I started to get depressed. My first fight with PPD. I was terrified of the idea that there were no guarantees. She could be taken from me anytime. I knew that from experience. It was also hard to watch her do new things that I'll never get to watch Taylor do. Then when I had Sydnee, it was a little worse. This time, it's a whole lot worse!

Of course, I have that unforgettable day coming. It's also the first day of Isabelle's preschool. Then I have the colposcopy coming up. I had to reschedule it from yesterday to the 12th. So yes this stuff isn't helping. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom and digging a hole to go further down. I'm just grateful that I have Stoney to help me through this. He's been great the last couple of days and doing what he can.

Putting it all out there

I've been thinking about a way to describe the way I'm feeling. There seems to be one word that keeps popping into my head, debilitating. It is quite scary how an emotional problem can be so physical. I can't imagine what it would be like right now if I only had Kambree. Right now the girls are what's keeping me going. I spent the past few months not being able to do anything for them. I HATED it. Now my mind is trying to keep me from doing the things I need to for them. Yesterday, it took all I had just to wash some diapers and wipe the table off. Then a little later Ashley was doing the dishes so I went in and helped her a little bit so that she could go to the movies. Stoney keeps telling me not to worry about it right now because it's stressing me out not doing the simple things. After losing Taylor, I learned to put on a face. I have learned to mask my crying completely when company suddenly drops off. I got so good at it that even Stoney hasn't noticed I was crying. I just think "why the heck should I be crying?" I have a wonderful husband, 4 healthy daughters, a roof over my head and plenty of food. Who could ask for more? Sure Stoney has been pretty thoughtless lately but to give him credit, I've been hiding my feelings from him. When he'd ask what was bothering me, I pulled the "Nothing" card out. Why do women do that anyways? I guess I just don't want to admit that something is wrong. But now I have no choice. I need to do this for not only me but my girls. I've always said I would do anything for them. Here's my turn to prove that.