Putting it all out there

I've been thinking about a way to describe the way I'm feeling. There seems to be one word that keeps popping into my head, debilitating. It is quite scary how an emotional problem can be so physical. I can't imagine what it would be like right now if I only had Kambree. Right now the girls are what's keeping me going. I spent the past few months not being able to do anything for them. I HATED it. Now my mind is trying to keep me from doing the things I need to for them. Yesterday, it took all I had just to wash some diapers and wipe the table off. Then a little later Ashley was doing the dishes so I went in and helped her a little bit so that she could go to the movies. Stoney keeps telling me not to worry about it right now because it's stressing me out not doing the simple things. After losing Taylor, I learned to put on a face. I have learned to mask my crying completely when company suddenly drops off. I got so good at it that even Stoney hasn't noticed I was crying. I just think "why the heck should I be crying?" I have a wonderful husband, 4 healthy daughters, a roof over my head and plenty of food. Who could ask for more? Sure Stoney has been pretty thoughtless lately but to give him credit, I've been hiding my feelings from him. When he'd ask what was bothering me, I pulled the "Nothing" card out. Why do women do that anyways? I guess I just don't want to admit that something is wrong. But now I have no choice. I need to do this for not only me but my girls. I've always said I would do anything for them. Here's my turn to prove that.